"Hey can I smoke in here? Fuck yeah I can smoke in here. I'm a fuckin' countess. Kelly, your box looks fantastic in those pants."

So I did actually get a part! As an Amazon in A Midsummer Night's Dream, what else? Rehearsals start next month, and then the show is in rolling repertory until October. I realize, looking back, that waiting to find out has been the focus of this blog (my life?) the last few posts, and I wouldn't want to leave all two of you hanging. Is it a small part? Oh yes it is. Will it get me into Equity? Also, yes indeedy. So, because this is how life works, I will be doing less work on this play than any I've been in in years, and I will be getting paid exponentially more - even though zero times "something" is still zero, I think my point is obvious enough. So, you know, KALOO KALAY and all.

My "lesbian-adjacent" song-singing-standing-up act is on Sunday. I am really afraid of hecklers, but I also really want a heckler. I think it might actually be fun to have every right to just rip some person I've never met to shreds in front of a bunch of people. Maybe that kind of thinking makes me a sociopath? NO! THAT'S SHOWBIZ!

Ah, yes, showbiz. Now, theater has my heart because I've always been fascinated with the ephemeral, with moments that waft by and then are gone in the same instant, never to return again, just as they do in our own lives blah, blah, blah - no wonder nobody likes theater, it's all SO melancholy and precious and boooOOOOoooring. SHAZAM! KABOOM! ZAP-A-DOO! THESE ARE THE SOUNDS OF ENTERTAINMENT! MOVING PICTURES, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, MOVING PICTURES ARE THE FUTURE!

What I mean to say is, working this job, I have had several strange/awk interactions with famous show-people. Most are actually pretty boring, (answering Dick Van Dyke's phone call with, "He is in his office, I'll transfer you right over," is not very exciting except for the part where I get to say, "---, I have Dick Van Dyke for you," and then I click transfer and spin around in my chair, pumping my arms up and down screaming, "YES! YESSSSSS! YYYEEEEEEEESSSSSS! THE FIRST DYKE ON THE TEEVEE!"

Anyway here's two good ones:

(This is about five days into working here)

Me: Office of ----? (I can't help but sound like the receptionist in Office Space when I do this. It always sounds like a question.)
Larry David: This is Larry David for ---.
Me: Oh, good morning. Let me make sure he's in his office. May I put you on hold for a moment?
L.D.: NO! No, you may not!
Me: Uh...uh...(high pitched whining sound) uhm...
L.D.: IT WAS A JOKE! It was a joke. ItwasajokeItwasajokeItwasajoke.
Me: Oh.
(Pause.)
Me: Yes, well. I am humorless.
L.D.: Right.
Me: I'm going to...I'm going to put you on hold now.
(A Beat)
Me: Alright, I'm going to transfer you now.
L.D: (something unintelligible)

(Yesterday)
Me: Office of ---?
Debbie Allen's Assistant: Hello, I have Debbie Allen for ---.
Me: I'm so sorry, he's not in the office. May I take a message?
D.A.Ass: Yes...I
(small commotion)
Debbie Allen: Hi there, this is Debbie. You tell --- it was, "When You're Alone." From Hook.
Me: Okay. "When You're Alone?" From...Hook?
Debbie Allen: Yes, you know, (sings)"Wheeeen yooouuu're aloooone..." It won the, well, you just tell him. That's what he wanted to know.
Me: I will be happy to tell him when he gets back. Would you like him to return?
Debbie Allen: Well, uh, no, I think that's what he wanted to know. Bye.
Me: Tha-
(Dial tone)
Me: Wha?

HELLO AGAIN, DEAREST INTERNET!

I watched the football game! Well, part of it. How exciting. I missed Bruce Springsteen's "CROTCH SHOT AMERICA" performance, but that's okay. That's what the internet is for.

I did not show up to an audition today - I told them I had car trouble, but in reality I realized that even in the unlikely event that I actually got the part, I wouldn't want to go to Arizona for five weeks for next to no money to make a crappy movie about zombies. Don't get me wrong, I love zombies and movies about them, but this sounds like a pretty big stinker. Also, it's called 'Outbreak.' So, I didn't waste their time. It's important to know what you really want. Which I don't, actually. But I'm better at knowing what I DON'T want, which is almost as good.

In other news, I just got paaaaaaiiiiid last night! Whoo. This is the show I'm working on:

I move things. But it's fun, especially because I get to make all the blood. Also, the play is actually pretty brilliant. Peter Sinn Nachtreib - watch out for this guy. Soon, he is going to be a very big deal. When I am skinny, maybe somebody will let me get onstage again. Yeesh.

I just started a new job last week - I'm the "Temporary Executive Assistant of the Producing Director" at the Geffen. On Thursday I talked to Angela Lansbury! All I could think about was this:
http://defamer.com/5138152/murder-she-bathed
But it's a pretty ideal job for my purposes right now...or will be until April when Shannon comes back from maternity leave. When it's busy it's exciting and interesting (though I fear hanging up on people while conferencing, which has happened a few times. Never again though!) and then there's lots of downtime that I can use to write (or read the internet). So hopefully I'll find a more permanent gig like this soon.

Now it is very important that I watch more tv.