Usually by about 3 I have little to no recollection of the things I did that very morning

But 1ish I can remember. See, in the process of returning a framed poster to its owner for my boss, I was walking said very large, framed poster to my car - a rather absurd display because of the wind today. But just as I crossed the street, I locked eyes with a man in double denim (pant and jacket!) and a white Fu Manchu that extended far below his chin. SWOON!

I wish he could be my boyfriend. Well, I already have one, and I like him. But I wish I could sit in his lap while he drinks whiskey and "I Fall To Pieces" plays over and over again.

Is that weird?

I have an interview in an hour -

"Metal Monday & $9 all you can drink 2nite@ Ottobar!" -- This phrase is one way to encapsulate the creeping regret I feel regarding the fact that I live here now instead of there.

But hey, life goes on, sometimes it's sweet.

Last week, I won tickets to see Vetiver. Listen to them here, if you haven't yet. As it turns out, I actually won tickets to see them tonight, but they let me in last night because the organizers are friendly/disorganized/both. It was my first trip to the new Eagle Rock Performing Arts Center and I'm sure I'll be back. It's a gorgeous old space, cavernous and church-like and $3 beer. I don't know the dude who opened and I'm not that pumped to find out more about him - some people are obviously quite talented, but you hear their songs and think, "Huh. Heard this before." And that's that. Anyway, I was a little worried Vetiver would stick to their more down-tempo sad-sack compositions, which would have been unpleasant for me four beers in. And, considering Benji was projected on the wall behind them, it would have been absurd in the bad way for all those present. But they did not do that! They leaned further and further toward the stutter-step hipster-honky-tonk side of their discography as the show went on, and that was just A-OK, thanks a lot folks by me. I got sweaty and danced and so did everyone else. Wonderful. Hell, I woulda payed 12 bucks for it.

On Friday, Japanther is playing @ some house on Kenyon. Baby, I wanna get in a fight.

To clarify:

Actually, I don't really see this as a fail. If I saw this sign on the side of the road, riding in the passenger seat of my man-about-town of the hour's* 68 Jaguar convertible**, my glamorous scarf flapping behind us in the breeze, I would say, "HOLY FUCK FLIP THIS BITCH AROUND WE GOT BROOCHES TO BUY!"***

*faaabulous best friend's
**oldsmobile that belonged to his grandfather
***that is exactly what I would say.

Rejected Headshots

Uh, I am...not super photogenic.


A sub-par Elvis sneer.


You might know me as the little girl from the "Love Is..." duo.


I! AM! JUST! SO! HAPPY! TO! BE! HERE!


This is me pushing 40 with an addiction to pain pills.


OMG I got a part on this new show! Have you seen it? It's called, "Dynasty."
Actually, I kind of like this one...but...but...it's silly.


This is the face I make right before I CHOKE A BITCH


Who tooted? (I tooted.)


This is somewhere between those 50s lady-country singer portraits and Leslie and the Lys.


O RLY?


DUI mugshot - smoking gun, here I come!!!

Murdered on the interstate While the red bells raaaang like thunder

So, full disclosure: I don't think I know what the internet is.

Obviously, I use it every day and I don't know what I'd do without it...Actually, yes I do: I'd go to the Library, mostly, maybe make a zine, and never know what time anything started or how to get to anywhere.

Perhaps this fundamental confusion is why it took me so hilariously long, as a kid, to discern the difference between the AOL "Channels" and actual websites - "HOW ARE THERE ONLY TEN WEBSITES AND THEY ALL SUCK? This internet is dumb. I'd better go to some chat-room and A/S/L? it up! YEAH ALSO I AM SO INTO ACE OF BASE!!!"

Anyway - is it really a series of tubes? Sort of? I kind of believe that, along with the entire state of Alaska. However, if somebody told me, I would also believe the interweb was powered by Alaskans blowing their noses really hard, or something to that effect. I take it as a real sign of my American-ness that when I am faced with a concept (such as the internet) that is confusing or overwhelming to me, my instinct is to just leave it alone. Eh, why do I really need to know? It works well enough for me. But it occurs to me that I spend basically all of my time ON "the internet," and I couldn't really define it if somebody were to ask me.

Attempts:

1. "It's where the pictures come from!"

2. "I use it to watch TV shows that have been cancelled, and others that have not yet been cancelled."

3. "There is porn on it."

4. "I got bored and looked at a bunch of stupid stuff while I was doing this."

5.

6. "The Google."

6.5. "The Online Wikipedia."

7. "Where old, fat people pretending to be young, nubile people come together, from far away."

8.

nothing about this is okay

"Hey can I smoke in here? Fuck yeah I can smoke in here. I'm a fuckin' countess. Kelly, your box looks fantastic in those pants."

So I did actually get a part! As an Amazon in A Midsummer Night's Dream, what else? Rehearsals start next month, and then the show is in rolling repertory until October. I realize, looking back, that waiting to find out has been the focus of this blog (my life?) the last few posts, and I wouldn't want to leave all two of you hanging. Is it a small part? Oh yes it is. Will it get me into Equity? Also, yes indeedy. So, because this is how life works, I will be doing less work on this play than any I've been in in years, and I will be getting paid exponentially more - even though zero times "something" is still zero, I think my point is obvious enough. So, you know, KALOO KALAY and all.

My "lesbian-adjacent" song-singing-standing-up act is on Sunday. I am really afraid of hecklers, but I also really want a heckler. I think it might actually be fun to have every right to just rip some person I've never met to shreds in front of a bunch of people. Maybe that kind of thinking makes me a sociopath? NO! THAT'S SHOWBIZ!

Ah, yes, showbiz. Now, theater has my heart because I've always been fascinated with the ephemeral, with moments that waft by and then are gone in the same instant, never to return again, just as they do in our own lives blah, blah, blah - no wonder nobody likes theater, it's all SO melancholy and precious and boooOOOOoooring. SHAZAM! KABOOM! ZAP-A-DOO! THESE ARE THE SOUNDS OF ENTERTAINMENT! MOVING PICTURES, LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, MOVING PICTURES ARE THE FUTURE!

What I mean to say is, working this job, I have had several strange/awk interactions with famous show-people. Most are actually pretty boring, (answering Dick Van Dyke's phone call with, "He is in his office, I'll transfer you right over," is not very exciting except for the part where I get to say, "---, I have Dick Van Dyke for you," and then I click transfer and spin around in my chair, pumping my arms up and down screaming, "YES! YESSSSSS! YYYEEEEEEEESSSSSS! THE FIRST DYKE ON THE TEEVEE!"

Anyway here's two good ones:

(This is about five days into working here)

Me: Office of ----? (I can't help but sound like the receptionist in Office Space when I do this. It always sounds like a question.)
Larry David: This is Larry David for ---.
Me: Oh, good morning. Let me make sure he's in his office. May I put you on hold for a moment?
L.D.: NO! No, you may not!
Me: Uh...uh...(high pitched whining sound) uhm...
L.D.: IT WAS A JOKE! It was a joke. ItwasajokeItwasajokeItwasajoke.
Me: Oh.
(Pause.)
Me: Yes, well. I am humorless.
L.D.: Right.
Me: I'm going to...I'm going to put you on hold now.
(A Beat)
Me: Alright, I'm going to transfer you now.
L.D: (something unintelligible)

(Yesterday)
Me: Office of ---?
Debbie Allen's Assistant: Hello, I have Debbie Allen for ---.
Me: I'm so sorry, he's not in the office. May I take a message?
D.A.Ass: Yes...I
(small commotion)
Debbie Allen: Hi there, this is Debbie. You tell --- it was, "When You're Alone." From Hook.
Me: Okay. "When You're Alone?" From...Hook?
Debbie Allen: Yes, you know, (sings)"Wheeeen yooouuu're aloooone..." It won the, well, you just tell him. That's what he wanted to know.
Me: I will be happy to tell him when he gets back. Would you like him to return?
Debbie Allen: Well, uh, no, I think that's what he wanted to know. Bye.
Me: Tha-
(Dial tone)
Me: Wha?